Have I gone too far in monitoring my children’s online activity? | Annalisa Barbieri
I have two children, aged nine and 11. We’ve always limited their tech but just before the pandemic, we bought them tablets to give them access to education, entertainment and their friends. Then I became concerned about their increasing use and placed more limits on screen time.
Full disclosure: I am a phone addict. So I introduced a rule where we all put our devices in a box when we aren’t using them (I break this rule most). During the last lockdown, we got my older child a phone. She had already asked for TikTok – her friends all had it, but I refused because it has all sorts of age-inappropriate stuff. However, that was how her friends communicated, so I allowed it as long as it was a private account on my device, so I could monitor it and her messages. She agreed to this reluctantly. I know I need to step back, but how do I do that without neglecting my duties as a parent?
I have now allowed her to have her own access to TikTok, because she felt left out of conversations at school, but told her that I would check what she posts from time to time. Have I made the wrong choice? What is the right balance? Am I being too controlling? I would love some reading material on this.
A lot of parents worry about technology, and there is a tendency to be really strict (which isn’t realistic) and then feel unconfident about the decision, and so give in – then it goes into freefall. But this issue doesn’t need to be all or nothing. Some parents use the minimum age for users as a get-out, as in, “It’s not my rule – it’s not allowed.” TikTok’s minimum age is 13.
Your long letter bounced all over the place from rules to leniency to over-control to changing your mind, and I think you have excellent awareness of this. This is to be applauded, but you need clarity and consistency. Rachel Melville-Thomas, a child and adolescent psychotherapist (childpsychotherapy.org.uk), said: “This is really about anxiety; the fact that it happens to be about phones and tablets is, I think, a funnel for your worries. Your terror is possibly about your daughter spreading her wings.”
When your children were younger, it seems your rules were followed and that made you feel in control. With older children, it’s more about negotiation than being prescriptive. As children get older, they need to learn to navigate for themselves.
