How can I approach my best friend’s wedding when I am so worried about her future happiness? | Leading questions
My best friend is getting married in a few months and I am so sad. We have known each other since childhood, and while it is true that I probably hold too high standards for my loved ones, her fiance seems like a poor choice of life partner. He is combative, argumentative, immature and possessive, and puts her down regularly, often in front of other people. She deals with his unpleasant traits with good humour but admits they argue a lot. They have been together only a couple of years and have had a very short engagement.
I worry she is rushing things and making a huge mistake.
Shortly before they met at a singles party, she admitted she was desperate to be married before she turned 30 (she will be 30 next year), and I can’t shake the sense that she is settling for this undeserving man because of a self-imposed deadline. I understand that if this is the case, it is her own mistake to make, and my priority is to be there for her whatever happens. But how can I approach all the planning, hen party and wedding celebrations with a supportive smile when I am so worried about my friend’s future happiness with this man?
Eleanor says: I think it’s worth pausing before getting to the “it’s her mistake to make” verdict.
The whole modus operandi of bullying is that everyone will be too polite to point it out. To those of us witnessing a person’s boorish behaviour, it feels like a big, rude deal to say “I think he sucks”. Even small hints feel like a large expenditure of rudeness coins. We’ll roll our eyes, or say something plausibly deniable but snide when he comes up, and because these tiny little protests require some courage, they make us feel we’ve said our part. But to the person in the jaws of a bullying relationship, they are almost literally inaudible.
It takes six, seven, two dozen neon flashing warning signs for the message to get through. This creates an asymmetry: friends and family can feel like they’re waving red flags while the person in the centre feels everything is normal. Bullies know that. Many of them don’t even bother to cover their tracks (this guy’s attacking her in front of people?). They rely on the fact that most of us just won’t expend the amount of social energy it requires to really register an objection.
