I am a virgin at 26, and I worry future partners will scorn me
A friendship with a new co-worker is steadily blossoming into a romance, which is bringing me much joy. The only issue is that, because of a history of mental health problems, I have isolated myself from relationships and am a virgin at 26. If and when we become intimate, the prospect of my lack of experience being a problem fills me with dread. How do I overcome my insecurities?
Some background: when I was 13, I was diagnosed with a serious anxiety disorder. As a result, throughout my teenage years, my social life was almost nonexistent. I had few friends and no relationships in secondary school.
I stumbled into a very short relationship just after I finished school, but my situation meant we split up within weeks, without becoming intimate. Afterwards, my condition got even worse, and I had to withdraw from university after a short period.
Throughout those years, the fact that I have never been in an intimate relationship has gnawed at me. Luckily, around my 25th birthday, my condition slowly started improving, due to medication and a lot of work at my end. I now feel well enough to love someone, but while a new relationship seems to be budding, my insecurities remain. I fear any future partner will scorn me for my lack of experience. Yet I am sure I have a lot of love to give.
It sounds as though you have overcome some really tough times, and I admire and applaud you for having done so much work to get where you are today. Both the psychosexual therapist I consulted, Cate Mackenzie, and I would have liked to know more about what happened to you at 13 and the messages you grew up with, particularly around sex, as these would help us with context. But perhaps, especially as you’ve worked so hard to move on from your past, it’s best we look to the future.
I lost my virginity relatively late too (especially for the 1980s), at age 22, so I understand a little about your insecurities. I found it hard to tell people, but when I did, it was a really useful way of separating those who were kind and supportive from those who weren’t.
