I think the married woman I had an affair with is pregnant with my baby. What’s the right thing to do?
Before lockdown, I began an affair with a married woman, J. She told me I was her soulmate and no one had ever made her feel like I did. Those feelings were reciprocated. After much indecision and heartache, she left her husband and I left my wife so we could start a new relationship together.
Very quickly we discovered J was pregnant. That put a lot of pressure on our relationship. Although we had wanted a child together (her first, my second), the speed at which it happened made things difficult between us. I did not cope well, but I didn’t want the relationship to end.
A couple of weeks later she had a scan and told me that the child was her husband’s. She sent me a copy of the scan report, then ended our relationship. I queried the paternity – I had consulted a midwife and, given the dates, I believe the child is mine – but she became upset and told me she was sure.
I don’t know what to do. J is very clear that she wants a calm and happy pregnancy, without any additional stress. She is working hard to rebuild her relationship with her husband, who knows nothing about me. She has broken off all contact between us. I am heartbroken that the relationship is over, but I want to respect her wishes and not upset her. I intend to put money aside every month for the child so that if and when I need to provide support, I can do so. What is the right thing, ethically, to do?
This week I consulted not one but two experts to help me answer your letter. First, I wanted to find out legally what your rights are and, second, to think about this from a psychological point of view.
Mena Ruparel, chair of the Law Society’s family committee, explained that when a couple are married (and I presume J didn’t get a divorce), there’s a legal presumption that her husband is the father. This is called the presumption of legitimacy. So in order to refute that, you would need to ask J to agree to a DNA test on the baby once it’s born (you can do it privately without her husband knowing, but, of course, if it is yours, then he’d need to know). If she won’t agree and if it’s something you want to pursue, apply to the courts – a declaration of parentage – explaining that you have good reason to believe you are the father, and if the court agrees, it can order DNA testing.
